Lizzy's Journal

i hate it when conversations seem incomplete... hah, or nonexistent...

so here's what i meant to say:

"i'm glad we never really got together --- knowing my adolescent self, we would have ended up on non-speaking terms like me and rob. there was a time when i thought i'd never get over that debilitatingly absurd crush... i'm so happy we were able to become friends in spite of that. you're someone i want to be close to."

"i understand where you're coming from. i even agree with most of what you're saying... but you're not helping your case by continually trashing his new girlfriend --- it just makes you sound bitter and pathetic. remember how wonderful you are. you may have to accept that he's not the person you want him to be."

"yes, i'm sober enough to drive, but there's no way in hell i'm going to take you to buy yourself poison. despite how it may seem, i care very much whether you live or die. i just wish you treated yourself better. you're pretty great, after all... i wish we were friends."

"my god you are such a good person and i never even gave you a chance. i wish i could take back every insensitive thing i ever said to you. thank goodness you seem to have forgiven me."


...and WOW my latest post was over a year ago!

we don't have to be close.

i know that i wasn't exactly 'good' to you in the past.

in fact, i'm quite sure you caught me at the most
confused
stressful
selfish
part of my life so far.

but, in light of the fact that
we still know and spend time with many of the same people
and the fact that
we've both moved on to relationships that seem healthier than what we had previously with each other,

i think we should speak...

to each other

face to face

and with eye contact.

...
i'd like to know what's going on with you.

i hope you don't still think i'm a bad person.
despite the turmoil i caused, i didn't do anything really reprehensible on purpose, with the intent to hurt.
isn't that what matters?

i can't explain why each time i felt compelled to end it ---
that was just what i needed.
we didn't work.

i went through the same thing with Gabe --- it took two and a half years of my bitchery for things to finally fall into place.
something clicked.
and i knew i wasn't going to run.

at this point, i'm beyond being struck dumb by my own self-inflicted awkwardness.
i can have a good time around you,
i won't let myself be consumed.

i doubt you'll bite my head off at this point (something i once feared you'd do if i dared speak in your presence),
but i hope you'll be reminded of why i was fun to hang out with back in the day
and realize that i've changed a lot,
but i still care that you exist.

for example:

how to react when someone takes a shit in your brita.

my instinct is to discontinue all contact ---
i wouldn't do that to my worst enemy, let alone someone with whom i'd been living peacefully for the past year.

well,


one less person i have to stay in touch with.

i just did it because i wanted to be hot.

but affirmation makes me (and you, i gather) uncomfortable.

time to reconsider...

just looking back on some old journal entries... got the 3:00 a.m. curious i guess :p

conclusion: i was waaay insane in 2002.

oh memories... thank god "Lady X" isn't scared of life anymore :)


btw, the machinist is a freaky movie... christian bale should never get that skinny again.
http://www.myfittribe.com/articles/20070924/amazing-transformations-christian-bale.html
jesus.

i SO prefer ripped to fish.

sometimes i get a little TOO comfortable.

i tend to say things i shouldn't...

usually, i attempt to compliment someone, or say something funny that's relevant to the conversation.

then, i inadvertently hit on people and/or say mean things.

sorry --- i didn't intend to say that!

well, i did... but i only said it because, in my imagination, you took it differently... because i wasn't being a creep.

ohdear... insert foot.


in other news,

it makes me incredibly happy to talk to you. and you.

because i think you're just great. :)
(no ulterior motive!)

i feel like some people need a lesson in basic politeness...

example #1:

when you walk into a room and one person (out of ten or so) stands up to give you a hug, you should acknowledge that person in lieu of speeding straight to your favorite friends...

ignoring people when they greet you is rude.

example #2:

when someone starts talking to you --- especially when your relationship has been somewhat tenuous in the past and the person is obviously attempting to "extend the olive branch"/salvage some sort of non-awkward rapport with you --- you should pay attention until they are finished...

walking away from someone while they are mid-sentence is also rude.


why is it so impossible for me to give up on you? I can't believe i even considered apologizing... we're obviously not in a state where that could mean anything.


in other news, my new macbook freakin ROCKS :)

SURVEY: yaaay gillian!
1. Your rock star name (first pet, current car): Raven Matrix
2. Your gangsta name (fave ice cream flavour, favourite type of shoe): Neopolitan Sneaker (rofl)
3. Your Native American name (favourite colour, favourite animal): Blue Bear
4. Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born): Helen Albany
5. Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name): STEEL (i rule :p)
6. Superhero name (2nd favourite colour, favourite drink): Purple Water (i have a twin!)
7. NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers): Jack Bill (LOL)
8. Stripper name (your favourite perfume/cologne/scent, favourite candy): Axe Lindt (eeeewe)
10. TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): Fogarty Frankfurt
11. Spy name (your favourite season/holiday, flower): Fall Water Lily
12. Cartoon name: (favourite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): Pear Shirt (what?)
13. Hippie name (What you ate for breakfast, your favourite tree): Banana Willow

so, random story:

i forgot how much i hate parties. all the guys are there to pick up chicks and if you're not accompanied by an imposing gentleman, they won't leave you alone! i talked to three guys last night for what seemed like forever, and the third guy was nice --- i'd met him before and my supergay friend assured me he was gay...NOT SO!

about a half hour into the conversation, we realized we both know this guy in gabe's band. dennis (guy #3) asks me how i know him and i say, "oh, he's in my boyfriend's band," completely nonchalantly...

"oh, your BOYFRIEND'S band?" he says, "ok, so I'm not mad at you or anything...because i've been enjoying talking to you...but you NEED to tell people you have a boyfriend BEFORE you've been talking to them for a half hour."

so i said, "well, i don't like to assume that everyone that talks to me is hitting on me, that's why i didn't bring it up immediately..."

...and suddenly dennis had to pee.

*sigh*

i'll admit, i know when a guy's likely to be getting the wrong impression...i can tell from the stupid look on his face...it says, "ooo this girl's nice, i wonder if i can get laid..."

HOWEVER, i feel like i should be able to be nice without enticing perverts or immediately indicating my non-single status...though probably no one would go out their way to talk to a girl who's taken... :/

whatever, they're all bitches anyway...


btw, sorry if i owe you a call! i love you!!!


also, check out the song i'm singing with jazz ensemble:

http://www.ejazzlines.com/ARRANGED-BY-MYLES-COLLINS-TILL-YOU-COME-BACK-TO-ME-p20413.html

yaaay excited :-D

i finally deleted YOU.

i really miss feeling included.

i really miss being able to mingle and talk to everyone in the room.

i really miss feeling like i could contribute to conversations freely.

i really hate that middle school dance separation that seems to automatically take hold when we hang out.

i really hate spectating while conversations take place that i CANNOT contribute to.

i hate knowing that i have no qualms about talking to any of you, yet i feel stifled when i'm with the group.

i hate it when people feel the need to yell to be heard in a small room.

i wish i wasn't leaving so soon. i wish i had more time to talk to people. i wish last night wasn't just a stepping stone to another party.

ohwell.